Too much time to think.

You never know what you've got until its gone.

Ive had a lot of time to think while I have been home. Mostly thinking about things in my past, good and bad, and things that I want to change in the present and future. Im talking to Taylor Aiono right now and we've been talking about Hawaii and Provo and their differences. She's helping me feel confident in who I am and my decisions. I am super confident in Provo and I know that Im going to have an amazing experience, but it still breaks my heart that I am not going back to Hawaii. No matter how BADLY I wanted to go back, doesn't beat the feeling that I get when I realized that going back just doesn't feel right, which makes absolutely no sense to me at all. Being there did nothing but good things for me. I would definitely not be who I am today without it. I wish more than anything that I could still be there with all of the amazing people I met, and still working at Gateway with the best co workers ever and eating Taylor's butter rolls, and Yuna's cheesy potatoes! Ahh good times. I gotta remember stuff like that! Those are almost the most important things you need to remember from experiences like this...the little things! Ok so we traded jobs every week. I loved being a greeter because all you do is say Aloha and Mahalo and throw up a shaka and take pictures with people who think you're like a celebrity. I secretly loved working lines because there were these guys that would drive carts in the back and give us more things of food and I just liked talking to them and getting rides from them to go wash the untenstils (as long as Aunty Vonnie wasn't around). SPEAKING of washing utensils....I actually hated it because I would always go alone and right when I walk into the kitchen, all of the dishwashers start speaking samoan or tongan or whatever they speak and it was completely obvious that they were talking about me but I couldn't do anything about it because I had no idea what they were saying! Every.Freaking.Day. I dreaded that, but I liked getting rides there! Fun little memory. I liked serving drinks because all you had to do was set out like 6 of each drink and fill them in as they would be taken and you got to hear all the asians say 'cola' and somehow it sounded like 'wata' (water) so you never knew what they actually wanted. Oh man. I could go on. To be honest, bussing wasn't that bad at all. Especially when people mistake you for polynesian and european. I was anything but white to these people! It was great! I definitely went way off subject...however I am very happy I was able to blog about that. Now I will never forget about the little things I loved about Gateway. Gateway was bomb.

Heres my plan. Well theres 2. Plan A is to move back in the summers to work just so I can be a part of the culture again since I loved it so much and be making money too. The only problem with this is that it is much easier said than done. There are so many things in the summer that I want to do or have to do. For example, I need to get shoulder surgery, I want to do a study abroad, and I also want to go to Panama as a volunteer! Obviously, there is a lot going on and there is no way it can all happen in one summer. Plan B is to move back after graduation and start working on an actual career maybe. The problem with this plan is what if I am married by that time? I like to think that I wont but honestly, you never know when its going to happen.

Anyway, back to wanting something that I just cant have...I read a quote just now and it said "When you want something you can't have, consider that it's still better than having something you don't want." So true. You're probably thinking, well you can go back if you want...yes I can, but just wont let myself. Like what has gotten into me?! This is me trusted in the Lord. Its crazy how you can be so sure of something but the Lord has something completely different in store for you. Obviously there is something in Provo that is waiting for me, whether it be a job, a class, a person, or just one little moment that happens to me, theres a reason for it, just like everything else that happens in our lives. "Everything happens for a reason." If there is one person that has lived by that saying the most...that would definitely be me. I never doubt it. I still have a really good life, one that a lot of people would do anything for, and I am very grateful for that. I am so blessed and continue to be every day of my life. I have so many amazing, supportive friends and family that are always by my side.

I can tell that this is going to be a good semester for me. I know what I want to study, I know where I want to work, I know who I am, and I know who I want to be. Moving away from everyone I knew for a whole year taught me to open up to people, to be more outgoing and social. Yes, it has definitely changed my life for the better but one thing is still missing. I have always been afraid of relationships and Im not completely sure why. Im starting to come to a few conclusions as to why I have avoided it for so long, the biggest reason being lack of confidence. I come off as a really confident person, but thats just me holding back everything that I don't like about myself and not doing anything about it. Im the type of person thats always trying to help other people out and never themselves. Im starting to realize how hard I am on myself and I need to spend more time making myself happy too. When it comes to dating and relationships, I just haven't ever cared because I never have been able to think that guys see anything good in me. I have never thought that I was good enough for anyone. Harsh, I know, but thats what I've been thinking all these years. Thats about to change. When Tanner and I talked the other night, he gave me several tips and suggestions when it comes to dating. He said that the most important thing a girl can do to get a guys attention is to smile. I have definitely noticed that this is true and have been smiling a lot more recently because I have come to love myself a lot more than I used to. I love to smile and laugh more than anything in the world, which I think is a very attractive trait, and anyone that appreciates that about me is a winner. Also, I used to think that just making eye contact with a guy is enough to get their attention, but if you don't smile at them after making eye contact, then you might come off as almost like sassy or something. Thats not the right word but it's the first word that came to mind. The next time you make eye contact with someone and then look away without smiling, try to think of the facial expression you had and what the other person was thinking...probably nothing too pretty. I have definitely been working on this. Im ready to let other people into my life, at least I think I am. Im more ready now than I have ever been, so it's a start. I deserve to be cared by someone and I want it so badly. No, Im not in any way, shape, or form ready to get married. No thank you. But then again...who is?! Not a ton of people. Provo here I come!